I'm Back!

Hello to those of you who have not completely given up on me!

Sooo.... to explain where I've been for the past year....

I have been working on graduate school! I am obtaining my master's of education in guidance and counseling. I don't want to hand everyone lame excuses but I barely had time to sleep, much less leisurely write during that time (tack on the full time teaching job and I am surprised I made it through!) I MISSED writing! I think I just might be more excited about getting back to writing than I am about finishing my master's! Sad but true, though I am glad I finally buckled down and did it!

To those of you who still follow me, I promise more activity will commence as of TODAY! I've got two weeks left until graduation but my pressing assignments are complete and now I play the waiting game!

I'd love to hear from everyone and see what you have been up to in the past year! It's been a long and short year, all at the same time!

It's good to be home!

Kindly and respectfully,
J.R. Tate

Now That We're Here... It's So Far Away

This song is one that I've heard a few times, and it really puts in to words how I'm feeling about graduation and my schooling that is coming to a close.

            The fall semester for 2011 has come and gone.  For me, it’s been extremely bittersweet.  For it only being 4 months worth of school, studying, tailing it across a huge campus, and all of the other experiences that have happened in between, it moved fast and slow, all at the same time. 

            I honestly feel that I blinked and the semester was gone.  I remember in August thinking it was time to get the school year going so May would come and I could graduate and be done. Another year of school just seemed so long and excruciating.  I honestly did not realize that it would go so fast.  From where I’m sitting, I’ve got some mixed emotions going on.

            I don’t know where I’m going to be in the next five to six months.  A whole new chapter is going to emerge and I don’t really have a lot of control over it.  It’s an exciting feeling, but it’s also terrifying. I might not even stay here in the town where I’m at, or I could be really lucky and score a decent job and put roots down here. There’s just no way of knowing until I get out there and look at job availability.  School has been a major part of my life.  Let’s face it – I haven’t exactly been “the” traditional student.  I’m finally going to get my Bachelor’s Degree at the age of 27.  A “traditional” student generally gets one at 21-22.  I’ve been going on and off, and even had some part time semesters due to having to work. Sometimes I feel worthless about how long it has taken me, but I keep telling myself (and others have told me too) that at least I’m finishing something I’ve started. So, finishing school (finally) is definitely going to be a big deal for me. I have one more semester left, and if this past semester is any sign of how quickly things can go, I better strap myself in and prepare for the ride. 

            This semester, while taking the least amount of classes you can to still be classified as full time, has really tested me, not only on the academic front, but in other areas of life too.  I have made some new friends, came out of my shell more than usual, and even branched out and attended study groups.  I have never done that before in all the semesters I’ve attended college.  My confidence in my subjects and areas of interest has gotten much stronger.  My goal going in to this semester was to make the Dean’s List (GPA 3.5 – 3.9 required) and I did it!  However, I’m still sort of disappointed in myself.  I missed making the president’s list (4.0 gpa) by 7 points. Ouch.  It kinda stings!

            I mention making new friends.  Thinking back on things that happened, some of the memories aren’t ones I want to remember.  Let’s face it – we all need as many friends as we can in life.  Sometimes I wonder if my definition of friend is different than others views on the subject. To put it short, I have forgiven people who have done me wrong. I have learned that forgiving sometimes is even better for you than it is for the other person. Praying and having a relationship with Jesus and God has really helped me in these matters as well. With faith, anything is possible, even forgiving those who have done you wrong. 

            Anyway, I don’t want to seem negative.  All in all, it’s been a great, fast, and fun semester.  My classes were pretty good and I have met many amazing people from many diverse groups.  My mind is more open now.  Things that were so black and white before are now grey.  I see different point of views in matters when before, I had my belief and that was final.

            I can’t believe I only have one more semester left.  It is bittersweet.  Probably the most exciting, terrifying, amazing, and emotional experience of my life – I can say that I am doing something with my life that I’m damn proud of.  Being a Texas Tech graduate is something I have thought about since I was a little kid and I’m actually living my dreams right now. And as I said above, praying and keeping God and Jesus in my life has really pulled me through.  I couldn't do anything without having faith. 

            Guns up! 

Trust, Positivity, Saying Goodbye

            I have gotten behind on my blogging, and for the few who do read it, they are probably saying, “What’s new? You always do.” While I’m only taking 12 hours of courses this semester, it has been one of the most trying.  It is my senior year and I’m really busting my tail end to make the dean’s list and really take names during my last final weeks on the Texas Tech campus.

            Tonight, I’m really not sure what to write about, I just know that I need to.  Life has really come at me full force.  A quote that I have learned to live by in these past few weeks is:

“You gotta have bad days so you can appreciate the good ones.”

            I guess I can say that things really haven’t been that “bad.”  At least I can say that the good has outweighed the bad.  I’ve had a few people come into my life and really test my already fragile trust issues.  To put it mildly, I question why these people were even brought into my life, only to betray me and walk out as if it had never happened.  I questioned God and wanted to know WHY? I was flying so high and then found myself face first in the ground.  I started living with the belief that when I am happy, don’t get used to it, because something will come along like a whirlwind and blow it all away. Truth is, we will never understand why certain people come in and out of our lives.  God has a reason, even if it never makes sense to us.  There’s always a reason, and I need to remember that, even if it has left a bitter taste in my mouth.

I’ve spent a lot of time praying and soul searching.  Before this all happened, I was thriving – I was a strong woman who was becoming more positive and happy by the day.  I’ve prayed to God to allow me to get back to the person that I was before.  Why not just revert back to it?  I know it’s going to take time, but eventually I’ll get there.  As I have described it to others… I’m like a drug addict who relapsed back to my old negative ways and now I’ve gotta be strong to get over it and get back on track, away from this derailment that has turned my world upside down.  One thing that will take years is being able to trust again.  It’ll be hard to tear down that wall.

I can't make people be in my life who don't want to be.  All I want is a little kindness to at least have the closure.  Some people can't man up and do that, so I have to tell myself that it's God's way of exterminating the negativity out of my life.  I have to let Him be in the driver's seat and trust that he is leading me down the path I should be on.  Let go and let God. 

“Accentuate the positive.”

I need to focus on the good things in my life right now and forget about recent events.  Easier said than done, I know, but what makes a person strong is their ability to move forward and not forget their past, but push through and learn from it.  Chalk it all up to learning experiences.  I feel hypocritical. As I write this, I feel the pain drudging up from deep inside of me.  Sometimes it’s very hard to take your own advice.  What I need is someone to slap some sense into me.  Just a good, hard wake up call.  Snap out of it, Jess. You’ve got a lot going for you! Here I am, talking to myself. Hah.

One thing I’ve heard of doing is when you get those negative thoughts in your mind, envision a stop sign to try and bring them to a halt.  I haven’t honestly tried it yet, so I’m not sure how effective it is.

So, to accentuate the positive - I’m alive and breathing.  I was able to get out of bed this morning.  I have the freedom to get my education at the university level at a school that I have dreamed about graduating from since I was a child. Oh, I was also declared a graduation candidate at this school as of yesterday.  My projected graduation date is May 19, 2012. After all the years I have spent in school, you have no idea how sweet this was to my ears. I have a roof over my head.  I have food in the refrigerator.  I have a loving, caring family that loves me for who I am, flaws, quirks, annoying habits, and all.  To me, family is the foundation of everything, so that is the most positive thing I could ever think about in my life. 

Time.  Getting over emotional pain takes time.  Developing my trust in mankind again will take time. I just have to remember that each person that comes into my life is different, and I don’t need to compare them to anyone who has treated me like garbage in the past.  Life is too short to wake up angry.  Look in the mirror and say that today WILL be a GOOD day!

I definitely need to practice what I preach. 

“I’m alive and I’m free, who wouldn’t wanna be me?”

"Holding resentment against someone is allowing them to live rent free in your head."

Read An E-Book Week!

Hello fellow bloggers! Not much new going on in my world. Same old studying going on here.  Busy busy week... I have a group presentation coming up, a midterm on Wednesday, and a test on Thursday... Spring Break is next week and will be WELL deserved! But enough about boring school stuff -- it seems that's all I ever talk about....

This week is Read and E-book Week! I had hopes of sales picking up due to this, but so far, neither of my book sales have budged. I've contacted a few other bloggers who specialize in promoting books and hope to hear from them soon. I'm trying my hardest to not get discouraged.  I've been promoting like crazy and just feel it's been a lost cause.  I just haven't used the right bait, I guess! I guess it's just not something people are wanting to read at the moment.

Anyway, in light of this week, go out and support your fellow indie author (if you are one) and if you are not one, venture out and try something new. What I've learned about indie authors is that some of them are much better than the traditional authors we are all familiar with!  And just think, if the book you bought turns out to be a bust, at least you aren't out a lot of money. Most... and I do say most indie authors books are generally under five dollars! That is a steal, especially if you get one that is amazing!

I think after Wednesday is over I'll be more relaxed. I'm hoping anyway. I've been in college a long time and have never worried over a test like I am about the one coming up!

Have a wonderful Monday evening! :)