Cheesy Thoughts

This evening I’ve taken the time to just sit back and think about things. It has truly been a cozy evening.  I have a pecan pie scented candle lit, my feet are kicked up, I’m relaxed, and I have Pandora shuffling music on my TV. Life is good, right?

That leads me to my next point.  I have recently fallen back into a negative state of mind.  I hate when I go through that phase, and yes, it can be avoided.  Life just seemed to be happening – from issues with my truck, to frustrations at work, to whatever the case may be at that point in time.  Then a wake up call happened – The shooting in Newtown, Connecticut.  I’m not going to get into a full discussion about it, but it was a shove into reality for me.  My problems seemed VERY insignificant compared to what the people of that town were going through.  My truck got fixed (it was just a busted water pump), work frustrations are blessings in disguised… I mean, after all, I could very well not have a job and no income, right?  It’s sad that it takes someone else’s tragedy to make me realize it, but at the moment, things really aren’t that bad, regardless of how I may view situations.

The holiday season should bring the best out in people.  After work today, I stopped off at the grocery store to pick up some things for our Christmas dinner.  A sweet elderly woman was slowly moving down an aisle, and each person she passed, she smiled and told them Merry Christmas.  It warmed my heart so much.  On the flip side of the coin, I could have gotten frustrated with her for not moving faster and being in the way, but I took a moment to see and hear her joy.  Most people responded with positivity. 

It is going to be a small Christmas for us this year. My brother and his family came down for Thanksgiving.  I’m thankful for the wonderful family I do have, and even though we won’t have a house full for this holiday, at least we do have a home to gather in.  We will have a turkey (which I got free as a gift from my place of employment), all of the sides, and amazing desserts (one recipe I’m trying for the first time!)

I guess searching for blessings was heavy on my heart tonight.  There’s been so much sadness in the news lately that I had to get my mind on something else.  I have amazing friends, some far away and some close by, some I’ve never met in person, and some who I have known for years.  As I look at a shelf near me, I see all of the Christmas cards that were sent to me this year.  It’s full of various styles, colors, and pictures with personalized messages inside them for me.  I mailed out a big stack myself, and as I placed stamps on each one, I didn’t think about all of the postage I had to pay for – I thought about all of the great people I was sending each one to and how I’m glad I went through a ton of stamps to mail them all out. 

I recently had a conversation with a new friend I found through my writing.  Without even really “knowing” me, they helped me out just by their kind words and positive attitude.  I jokingly posted a picture of some candy that looked like coal that was in my stocking at work.  Just as I would expect, they responded and said that eventually it becomes a diamond.  I hope one day I can get to the point that with whatever response I have, it will always be positive like that. That has spurred up another thought in my head.  A couple of years ago I was walking the Texas Tech campus with a friend and he pointed out all of the beautiful flowers around the school.  I responded with “They’re just gonna die anyway.” Looking back on that memory, I have to laugh.  I don’t know what I was thinking when I said that.  He was trying to admire the hard work the Texas Tech groundskeepers put into it, and I just let that spew out of my mouth without a second thought.  I’m glad I don’t do that now.

I guess the main point of this blog entry is trying to find positive in everything.  That pile of dishes in the sink? At least you are blessed with food to cause that dreaded chore that I avoid like the plague.  The busted water pump on your pickup? Hey, you have a vehicle to drive.  That 6AM alarm blaring when you’re dead asleep?  You’ve got a job to go to and a steady income, and though it isn’t making you rich in the least bit, at least you have something.  So many others aren’t as fortunate. 

I want to wish all of you a happy holiday season.  May the New Year bring you love, happiness, and good fortune.  Keep that chin up! I know, I know… I need to take my own advice! 

Being Thankful

A lot of my friends on Facebook have been posting daily statuses about things they are thankful for during the month of November.  It’s a great idea and I enjoy reading what some of them have to say.  I’ve considered doing this as well, but honestly, I thought of a better idea and decided to just compile everything into one blog entry.  I’ve been searching for a new blog entry idea, so why not?

I love Thanksgiving.  It seems to be a forgotten holiday, overshadowed by Christmas and New Years.  A lot of businesses around town have already started playing Christmas music.  I love Christmas carols like the next gal, but already playing them at the beginning of November is going to drive me insane.  Anyway, back on the topic of Thanksgiving – it could quite possibly be my favorite holiday.  I love getting together with family and eating some of the most calorie rich foods ever.  I love standing in the kitchen with my mother, putting together various casseroles, reading over different recipes we’d like to try, and baking up wonderful desserts.  Every Thanksgiving I find a new recipe I want to try. Sometimes it turns out great, sometimes not so much. 

So, things I’m thankful for:

-The wonderful memories of past Thanksgivings shared with all of my family members.

-My parents – Tim and Patti, who put up with all of my moody quirks, my rollercoaster-like emotions, my insecurities, etc.  They have been my solid foundation in a world where the walls haven’t been real stable.

-My sister - Lizzy, for hanging out with me and being one of the best friends I could ever ask for.  I’m glad our relationship has only gotten stronger through the years. I can also tie my brother in law – David into this, because he’s been a great friend as well.  When we all hang out, I have a blast.   

-My brother - Andy, for being the true definition of what brothers should be.  I know he’s here for me in all the ways I need him.  I don’t get to see him much, but when I do, it is a true blessing.

-My 3 nieces - Abi, Anna, and Andi Mae and my nephew – Justus.  They are four of the most amazing kiddo’s and keep me smiling.  I also don’t get to see them much, so every moment with them is a pure blessing. 

-My wonderful grandparents – Troy and Betty Tate, and Floyd and Margaret Triggs, who are all now in heaven. Without these four wonderful adults in my life, I wouldn’t have many of the things I do today.  I am extremely blessed to have four role models to try and follow.  I don’t know what I’d do without them, and I know that even though they aren’t “here”, that they are always with me.

-I am thankful for family in general.  When it comes down to it, they are the ones likely to stick by you when everyone else goes away.  You don’t get to choose your family, and somehow I still got stuck with some pretty amazing people.  I love each and every one of you.  There’s too many to list, but you all know who you are.

-I am thankful for my friends.  Many have come in and out of my life, but a few have stuck around for long term.  Even the short-term friends I am thankful for.  I’ve met some pretty interesting and amazing people along the way, and have learned something new from each of them.  God bless you guys!

-I am thankful for the roof over my head and the food in my refrigerator.  I am thankful for the fact that I am able to attend Texas Tech University and study in a degree that I enjoy and hope to make a future out of.  I am thankful that I can wake up in the morning and choose to worship my amazing God without having to hide it.  I am thankful that I can be me.

-I can’t forget my German Shepherd, Wyatt.  He’s the best dang dog I could ever ask for.  He’s always there when I just need a friend to lean on.  His big brown eyes stare at me with unconditional love, regardless of the situation. 

-I am thankful for all of the bad days, just so I can really appreciate the good ones that come along. I am thankful for all of the people who have wronged me, just to cling to those who treat me with respect and honesty. It’s a good way to turn the negativity around using reverse psychology.

-I am just thankful.  I need to remember to thank God every day for what I do have, rather than focus on what I don’t.  Things really aren’t that bad.

I hope whoever reads this has a safe and wonderful holiday season.  Happy Thanksgiving, Merry Christmas, and may 2012 bring you the best of luck and happiness! 

Trust, Positivity, Saying Goodbye

            I have gotten behind on my blogging, and for the few who do read it, they are probably saying, “What’s new? You always do.” While I’m only taking 12 hours of courses this semester, it has been one of the most trying.  It is my senior year and I’m really busting my tail end to make the dean’s list and really take names during my last final weeks on the Texas Tech campus.

            Tonight, I’m really not sure what to write about, I just know that I need to.  Life has really come at me full force.  A quote that I have learned to live by in these past few weeks is:

“You gotta have bad days so you can appreciate the good ones.”

            I guess I can say that things really haven’t been that “bad.”  At least I can say that the good has outweighed the bad.  I’ve had a few people come into my life and really test my already fragile trust issues.  To put it mildly, I question why these people were even brought into my life, only to betray me and walk out as if it had never happened.  I questioned God and wanted to know WHY? I was flying so high and then found myself face first in the ground.  I started living with the belief that when I am happy, don’t get used to it, because something will come along like a whirlwind and blow it all away. Truth is, we will never understand why certain people come in and out of our lives.  God has a reason, even if it never makes sense to us.  There’s always a reason, and I need to remember that, even if it has left a bitter taste in my mouth.

I’ve spent a lot of time praying and soul searching.  Before this all happened, I was thriving – I was a strong woman who was becoming more positive and happy by the day.  I’ve prayed to God to allow me to get back to the person that I was before.  Why not just revert back to it?  I know it’s going to take time, but eventually I’ll get there.  As I have described it to others… I’m like a drug addict who relapsed back to my old negative ways and now I’ve gotta be strong to get over it and get back on track, away from this derailment that has turned my world upside down.  One thing that will take years is being able to trust again.  It’ll be hard to tear down that wall.

I can't make people be in my life who don't want to be.  All I want is a little kindness to at least have the closure.  Some people can't man up and do that, so I have to tell myself that it's God's way of exterminating the negativity out of my life.  I have to let Him be in the driver's seat and trust that he is leading me down the path I should be on.  Let go and let God. 

“Accentuate the positive.”

I need to focus on the good things in my life right now and forget about recent events.  Easier said than done, I know, but what makes a person strong is their ability to move forward and not forget their past, but push through and learn from it.  Chalk it all up to learning experiences.  I feel hypocritical. As I write this, I feel the pain drudging up from deep inside of me.  Sometimes it’s very hard to take your own advice.  What I need is someone to slap some sense into me.  Just a good, hard wake up call.  Snap out of it, Jess. You’ve got a lot going for you! Here I am, talking to myself. Hah.

One thing I’ve heard of doing is when you get those negative thoughts in your mind, envision a stop sign to try and bring them to a halt.  I haven’t honestly tried it yet, so I’m not sure how effective it is.

So, to accentuate the positive - I’m alive and breathing.  I was able to get out of bed this morning.  I have the freedom to get my education at the university level at a school that I have dreamed about graduating from since I was a child. Oh, I was also declared a graduation candidate at this school as of yesterday.  My projected graduation date is May 19, 2012. After all the years I have spent in school, you have no idea how sweet this was to my ears. I have a roof over my head.  I have food in the refrigerator.  I have a loving, caring family that loves me for who I am, flaws, quirks, annoying habits, and all.  To me, family is the foundation of everything, so that is the most positive thing I could ever think about in my life. 

Time.  Getting over emotional pain takes time.  Developing my trust in mankind again will take time. I just have to remember that each person that comes into my life is different, and I don’t need to compare them to anyone who has treated me like garbage in the past.  Life is too short to wake up angry.  Look in the mirror and say that today WILL be a GOOD day!

I definitely need to practice what I preach. 

“I’m alive and I’m free, who wouldn’t wanna be me?”

"Holding resentment against someone is allowing them to live rent free in your head."