I have gotten behind on my blogging, and for the few who do read it, they are probably saying, “What’s new? You always do.” While I’m only taking 12 hours of courses this semester, it has been one of the most trying. It is my senior year and I’m really busting my tail end to make the dean’s list and really take names during my last final weeks on the Texas Tech campus.
Tonight, I’m really not sure what to write about, I just know that I need to. Life has really come at me full force. A quote that I have learned to live by in these past few weeks is:
“You gotta have bad days so you can appreciate the good ones.”
I guess I can say that things really haven’t been that “bad.” At least I can say that the good has outweighed the bad. I’ve had a few people come into my life and really test my already fragile trust issues. To put it mildly, I question why these people were even brought into my life, only to betray me and walk out as if it had never happened. I questioned God and wanted to know WHY? I was flying so high and then found myself face first in the ground. I started living with the belief that when I am happy, don’t get used to it, because something will come along like a whirlwind and blow it all away. Truth is, we will never understand why certain people come in and out of our lives. God has a reason, even if it never makes sense to us. There’s always a reason, and I need to remember that, even if it has left a bitter taste in my mouth.
I’ve spent a lot of time praying and soul searching. Before this all happened, I was thriving – I was a strong woman who was becoming more positive and happy by the day. I’ve prayed to God to allow me to get back to the person that I was before. Why not just revert back to it? I know it’s going to take time, but eventually I’ll get there. As I have described it to others… I’m like a drug addict who relapsed back to my old negative ways and now I’ve gotta be strong to get over it and get back on track, away from this derailment that has turned my world upside down. One thing that will take years is being able to trust again. It’ll be hard to tear down that wall.
I can't make people be in my life who don't want to be. All I want is a little kindness to at least have the closure. Some people can't man up and do that, so I have to tell myself that it's God's way of exterminating the negativity out of my life. I have to let Him be in the driver's seat and trust that he is leading me down the path I should be on. Let go and let God.
“Accentuate the positive.”
I need to focus on the good things in my life right now and forget about recent events. Easier said than done, I know, but what makes a person strong is their ability to move forward and not forget their past, but push through and learn from it. Chalk it all up to learning experiences. I feel hypocritical. As I write this, I feel the pain drudging up from deep inside of me. Sometimes it’s very hard to take your own advice. What I need is someone to slap some sense into me. Just a good, hard wake up call. Snap out of it, Jess. You’ve got a lot going for you! Here I am, talking to myself. Hah.
One thing I’ve heard of doing is when you get those negative thoughts in your mind, envision a stop sign to try and bring them to a halt. I haven’t honestly tried it yet, so I’m not sure how effective it is.
So, to accentuate the positive - I’m alive and breathing. I was able to get out of bed this morning. I have the freedom to get my education at the university level at a school that I have dreamed about graduating from since I was a child. Oh, I was also declared a graduation candidate at this school as of yesterday. My projected graduation date is May 19, 2012. After all the years I have spent in school, you have no idea how sweet this was to my ears. I have a roof over my head. I have food in the refrigerator. I have a loving, caring family that loves me for who I am, flaws, quirks, annoying habits, and all. To me, family is the foundation of everything, so that is the most positive thing I could ever think about in my life.
Time. Getting over emotional pain takes time. Developing my trust in mankind again will take time. I just have to remember that each person that comes into my life is different, and I don’t need to compare them to anyone who has treated me like garbage in the past. Life is too short to wake up angry. Look in the mirror and say that today WILL be a GOOD day!
I definitely need to practice what I preach.
“I’m alive and I’m free, who wouldn’t wanna be me?”
"Holding resentment against someone is allowing them to live rent free in your head."